Let's all go to rehab

I drink a lot. I do a lot of stupid stuff, especially when drunk. I like some nose candy every now and then and I'll roll a little bit if we're in the club. I've got millions from my last record deal / tv show / movie / inheritance so I'm basically untouchable in this world.

I could probably kick these bad habits at any time, but the truth is that I don't want to. My publicist says that's a problem, because I keep doing all this stupid shit when I get fucked up, and websites like TMZ.com keep blowing up my spot. She tells me the best way to be popular again is to convince the public that its the substances, not me, causing these meltdowns. But how can I win them over?

Hey, wait a minute. Maybe I'll check into rehab. Isn't that the new "thing" to do? Seems like everyone's doing it now... Britney, Lindsay Lohan, that dude from Desperate Housewives... and that's just in the past few weeks. Who needs a vacation? I can just spend a week in some cushy "rehab" spa instead.

(Do you think it would help if I shaved my head first? Nah, that would just make me look completely insane.)

Better yet, I'll stay in rehab for a few days, check out, pretend that it cured me, and continue to go out and get fucked up 4 nights a week. Four nights per week is so much healthier for me than six!! And the public will love me again. It's a true win-win situation!

And if that doesn't work I'll just adopt an African baby - that should buy me a few minutes in the spotlight! I wonder if I still have Angelina's phone number...